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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26512960">astray</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Takykardi/pseuds/Takykardi'>Takykardi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>don't stray too far | Felix-centric oneshots [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angsty Schmoop, Anxiety Attacks, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Big bro lil bro, Brotherly Affection, Chan being a patient leader, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, possibly slightly ooc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:20:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,527</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26512960</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Takykardi/pseuds/Takykardi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><br/>Lately, Felix has been struggling. A trip with the group offers a welcoming break from everything, but he soon finds himself alone again when things go south</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan &amp; Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>don't stray too far | Felix-centric oneshots [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1927672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>205</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello ⊂(･ω･*⊂)</p><p>This was supposed to be a oneshot, but it turned out longer than expected, so it'll be a two-shot. Loosely connected<br/>to the previous one in the series, but it can be read as standalone. The only part you need to be informed of is that<br/>Felix had an almost-panic-attack in the first one.</p><p>Set sometime during the beginning of their careers, around 2018 just after <em>I am not</em> or so.</p><p>No warnings except for veeeery slight language. </p><p>Ty for reading, comments aaaaalways appreciated ♡</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So. Mr Lee. Have you been dealing with these stress-related attacks for long?"</p><p>Chan's fingertips lingered on the back of Felix's t-shirt, offering wordless reassurance as the doctor awaited his reply. But nothing emerged, not a peep. Just the quiet, steady susurrating of the computer next to them.</p><p>Instinctively, Felix felt like just brushing the whole thing off. This entire situation was anxiety-inducing in itself and honestly, he hadn’t asked for it. It was fine, he was <em> fine. </em> But nonetheless, he found himself currently weighing between a half-truth and a blatant lie, in the confines of an examination room that felt mostly like a prison.</p><p>Dropping his gaze to his nails, he provided an initial<em> ummmm </em> followed by an embarrassed chuckle, just to try to buy himself some time.</p><p>"Well, no...I just get a little stressed sometimes, but it's honestly not that bad, and..."</p><p>Next to him, Chan coughed in warning before he could follow on that disingenious note. Dark cocoa eyes, half-lidded in bemusement, met Felix’s as he glanced sideways. </p><p>"...<em>it's...honestly...not...that...bad," </em> Felix parroted slowly, making sure to enunciate every syllable. Chan's unimpressed frown deepened, while the doctor chewed on his pen in bewilderment.</p><p>“So...am I to understand that –" </p><p>"All idols get stressed,” Felix bit him off, with a curt shrug. “And I can handle it and it’s fine and...yeah. It’s fine.”</p><p>He let his head loll again, fingers resuming the nail scraping. Chan watched him, stifling a sigh that would have been much too telling otherwise. It dawned on him pretty quickly that this was about to be downplayed, because Felix was hellbent on showing an unblemished exterior, as usual.</p><p>This was exactly why Chan had insisted on chaperoning him when the company scheduled the appointment. Because he’d witnessed him descend into panic too often lately, too many times for it to just be written off as an anomaly. And now, it seemed he'd have to take control of the situation, since Felix had decided to pretend everything was all sunshine and rainbows.</p><p>The doctor’s gaze darted aimlessly from the blonde to the brunette, until Chan straightened out his posture and showed off his teeth in a polite, sparkling smile.</p><p>"He gets pretty bad anxiety. Like, it starts with crying and shortness of breath and then it escalates into near hyperventilation. Usually in or after stressful situations, and after a while he’s just shaking all over the place. And it’s difficult to calm him."</p><p>With each uttered word, Felix’s knuckles tightened, until his palms were covered in half-moon shaped indents. <em> How nice. </em> Chan just <em> had </em>to spill all that without his permission. The muscles in his back cringed, shaking the comforting fingers off. </p><p>"I see…” The doctor adjusted his glasses, his attention fully on Chan now. “...and how often do these anxiety attacks occur?"</p><p>"Not very often at all. Like barely once a month," Felix hurried to assert.</p><p>"Once a week," Chan interjected coolly.</p><p>Blinking rapidly in confusion, the doctor tapped something onto the file on his screen.</p><p>"And...what triggers it? Is there usually a trigger or do they occur out of the blue?"</p><p>"Nothing special that I can come to think of," Felix gritted. The look he gave Chan the second after was lethal, and also completely ignored. </p><p>"A few things in particular," Chan countered, without batting a lash.</p><p>The two of them glared at each other in a silent, unarmed quick draw, until Chan turned to the doctor again.</p><p>"There’s usually a trigger. When he's made a mistake, like if he's upset after an interview or dance practice or tense after a performance that he thought went badly.”</p><p>At this point, Felix just gave in. What was the use of trying to argue anyway. </p><p>Crossing his arms in front of himself petulantly, he decided to just stare at a loose thread in his ripped jeans instead of partaking in the discussion. If Chan wanted to disclose his personal information without consideration, he could do so without Felix's assistance.</p><p>“I see, I see.”</p><p>More humming followed as the doctor swiveled around in his chair and rustled with some papers. A brochurewas presented to Felix, but when he just remained impassive, it was offered to Chan instead. He accepted it, skimming through the pages of neat text and colorful images while the doctor kept talking.</p><p>"This includes some information about the causes of anxiety, how it affects the body and ways to alleviate it."</p><p>Felix slumped in his chair, the corners of his mouth grumpily sagging. For the next five minutes or so, he almost drifted off as Chan conversed with the doctor like he wasn't even present.</p><p>"...practicing different relaxation and breathing techniques might also help...young man?"</p><p>
  <em> “Hm?” </em>
</p><p>He reluctantly hauled himself up, smiling in capitulation as he was addressed. </p><p>"If this continues and becomes a nuisance, therapists are available for your use. But for now we'll see how it develops. Be honest with your management and ask the company to book you further appointments if needed. Oh, and..."</p><p>The doctor, who sounded most bemused at Felix's half-assed dedication by now, focused his attention on the screen again. After another eternity of tapping, the printer next to the computer started spitting out a document. Felix remained quiet, taking no notice of Chan's fingers as they discreetly crept closer, only to and settle on his arm. </p><p>Instead, he watched the doctor dig around. He whipped out a bottle of pills finally, that he handed over along with the document.</p><p>"Prescription for anti-anxiety medication, basically mild sedatives. For very severe anxiety attacks, if you find them to be unbearable and if the other relaxation methods don’t work. But they can cause drowsiness and headaches, so don't take one unless it's <em> absolutely </em>necessary."</p><p>As he accepted the bottle, Felix only vaguely registered the conversation continuing in the background. Turning it over in his hands, he squinted to read the fine print on the label.</p><p>
  <em> Side effects: sedation, dizziness, vomiting, confusion, headaches, blurred vision, nausea... </em>
</p><p>What the hell. By the time he reached v<em>omiting,</em> his gut had already tied itself into a pulsating knot. Over his dead body would he be taking these anytime soon. </p><p>Once they were dismissed, Chan followed patiently on Felix's heels as he trudged the endless corridors a few steps ahead of him. Then, he watched the younger maintain the sulking act all the way outside and into the company car, all while remaining cool and collected. After they were seated, Felix leaned into the corner, vacantly studying the buildings outside as it took off.</p><p>Not a word had been spoken between them for the last thirty minutes. Felix was pretty good at mock-sulking, but this time it seemed authentic. </p><p>And Chan worried. Hell, he never stopped. He didn’t worry about the sulking, but about what murky, detrimental thoughts were scrambling around inside again without getting an outlet. After a while of just studying the mousy blonde swirl at the back of Felix's head thoughtfully, he decided it was time to breach the silence.</p><p>"So...exactly how long did you plan on staying mad at me?"</p><p>Felix's voice reached him muffled and disjointed, blocked by his fingers as he rested his chin in his hand.</p><p>"Haven't really made up my mind yet."</p><p>This wasn’t mock-sulking, but not hardcore-sulking, either. Chan checked his phone. 5PM. They'd have to start packing when they reached the dorm. But he sure as hell wasn’t about to go for a road trip with Felix pissed off at him, but neither did he experience any remorse for being absolutely candid on his behalf.</p><p>"Felix. Look at me."</p><p>The younger almost yielded to the soft request, delivered in Australian-tinged English. It took a few muttered groans and repetitions of his name, but he turned around at last, with a cool-eyed, solemn expression. </p><p>"I can't just sit by and let you provide inaccurate information to a medical professional, okay. I know that you like to just ignore things and pretend they don't exist, but —"</p><p>"But it's not that bad! It's just, I can handle it myself, there was no need to…"</p><p>Felix quieted as he witnessed the thin-lipped frown mar Chan’s usually bright face again. Huffing, he threw himself back, his hand falling limply onto the seat. Outside the rain started dribbling down, producing a low drumming as it hit the window.</p><p>After a moment, he felt a few fingers warily brush over the back of his hand. This was sensitive ground, and Chan was aware.  </p><p>"Felix...the last few times were a little bad...you know that. You were distressed and crying and it's better to be honest with the company and deal with it." </p><p>The hand rose to cradle his freckled cheek, and after a moment Chan heaved with relief as Felix leaned into it. </p><p>"Listen,” he continued, his voice satiny as he watched Felix's chin droop dejectedly. “I know you have this idea that you have to be perfect. That you can't ever show yourself as vulnerable because you’ll be thrown out of the group but you <em> won’t</em>.”</p><p>Felix’s features bruised at the mere mention, since it was a legit fear of his. The hand moved to his neck, squeezing lightly.</p><p>“Lixie...this thing you’re experiencing isn’t making you weak, it’s just a physical reaction to stress and it’s okay. We’ll handle it. But you have to be honest, no lying to management or doctors. This is your health we’re talking about. Okay?"</p><p>Felix sank further and further into the seat as the words registered. No matter how much he didn’t want to acknowledge it, Chan was right.</p><p>Because he was obsessed with being perfect. In his imagined version of himself, his Korean was flawless, his singing was flawless, his physique was flawless. Whatever it might be, he wouldn’t settle for anything else. If he stuck by it, the antis wouldn't have anything to complain about.</p><p>But maybe he'd fallen down a slippery slope just a little bit, and worked himself into a pulp in his quest to polish everything into perfection. Balancing everything on his plate was tough.  Dancing, performing, practicing Korean…often with meager amounts of sleep in his system.</p><p>The last few months had been hectic.</p><p>And maybe he hadn't admitted to himself that it boiled over too many times. That the gray cloud looming over his head draped over him like a soggy blanket when it did. Suffocating him, way too often because he was so set on ignoring the stress and relentlessly gnawing feelings of ineptitude.</p><p>But Chan was there, every single time, to help him descend onto solid ground. </p><p>Gulping down the initial, biting response, he braved a shy glance at the dimple-cheeked young man next to him. The smile offered to him was always ample, always familial. Always on standby.</p><p>The indignation fizzled out, replaced by warm, fluttering gratitude and affection.</p><p>"Yeah. You're right. I’m sorry. You're absolutely right."</p><p>Chan's eyes held a sparkle of mischief as he withdrew his hand. "Of course I am. Always right, we’ve established that."</p><p>To this, Felix had to snort. "Don't be insufferable."</p><p>"Just kidding. Think you got the message. So are you looking forward to the trip?" </p><p>"Oh hells yeah."</p><p>For the remainder of the journey, Felix stared dreamily out of the window. After working hard for months and months on end, the group would finally be given some time to breathe. First thing tomorrow, a bus would arrive to transport them to Sokcho, where they'd spend a whole week, just like regular tourists, enthusiastic about their first field trip together.</p><p>The nature was most appealing to Felix. In the photos he'd seen, everything looked gorgeous and balmy, like straight out of a postcard. The beaches flanked by tall skyscrapers reminded him a lot of the ones back in Australia. And the main perk was that for once, for just a few days, he wouldn’t have to madly study Korean, wouldn’t have to wake up early for dance practice and wouldn't have to stress himself into oblivion.</p><p>Yeah. It was the break they all needed.</p><p>By the time they pulled up outside of the dorm, the tension between the two had melted away like it never even existed in the first place. Felix bounced all around Chan like a bunny, just like he had a habit to, and the elder couldn’t help but to feel smitten by his bubbling excitement.</p><p>"We have to remember to bring the Uno cards, hyung. Very important."</p><p>"Oh yeah. Definitely."</p><p>"And swimming stuff. The hotel has a pool right?"</p><p>"It does, it's gonna be fun, it'll —"</p><p>As the door swung open, Chan's voice was drowned out by a whole cacophony of noise, ranging from screeching to laughing and near-crying. The pair stepped further inside, kicking off their shoes while remaining perplexed in the face of the amplifying ruckus. </p><p>"Channie!"</p><p>Hyunjin suddenly materialized out of thin air, the dark mop of hair slightly mussed as he came to a halt before them. </p><p>"Hyunjin, what the hell is going —”</p><p>"Seungmin took my iPad and won't give it back," he rambled breathlessly. Simultaneously, there was a bang coming from upstairs. Chan's mouth was stuck ajar as he squinted back at him.</p><p>"Are you guys…"</p><p>"Packing, yeah, but it kind of...turned into…"</p><p>"...chaos," Chan finished. A moment later he'd ascended the stairs in a few huge leaps and came to the conclusion that that's exactly what it was, as always. </p><p>Pure and utter chaos. </p><p>"Guys!"</p><p>As Chan flung himself into the closest room with Hyunjin and Felix in tow, the first thing he saw was Seungmin. Standing right in the middle of it, and in the process of cramming Hyunjin’s ipad into his suitcase. Upon seeing them, his eyes blew wide, and he erupted in wild protesting.</p><p>“I need it more! I really do, because mine's broken and there's this game that —"</p><p>“Seungmin.” A stern finger pointed his way made him push the rest of it down. “Give Hyunjin his ipad, come on.”</p><p>“<em>Man</em>…”</p><p>Somehow, scattered clothes and various other items had ended up all the way out in the corridor.  Rubbing his temples, Chan continued next door, where he was met with the following scenario; Jisung and Changbin preoccupied in a tug of war, both of them pulling equally hard on a dark bundle of fabric.</p><p>“Hey, can you guys chill?”</p><p>Caught off guard by the sudden shrill tone, the two of them lost their grip simultaneously. The bed saved Changbin as he launched backwards, while Chan barely managed to catch Jisung by the chest before he could faceplant.</p><p>“What the hell are you <em> doing?!” </em></p><p>“Well...we uh…”</p><p>“They were fighting over whose sweater that is,” Jeongin chimed in from the other side of the room. The suitcase he was trying to close was stuffed to the brim, and he was currently bobbing up and down on it like it was a trampoline.</p><p>“Jeongin,” Chan started, eyes narrowing more and more as he approached, “...are you bringing a whole year’s worth of wardrobe on the trip?”</p><p>“No, but I just figured I might need many extra sets like, depending on the weather. And then I need like, going out-outfits and hiking outfits and shopping outfits and outfits for in case we encounter a bear."</p><p>“There's no <em>bears</em> there, what the hell.” Chan allowed himself a reinforcing breath, before hauling the younger to his feet. “Okay, you know what, everyone <em> pause</em>. Stop, stop what you’re doing.”</p><p>Everyone’s eyes zapped to him as he planted one hand on his hip, the other one roaming over the mayhem that currently occupied the room.</p><p>“Firstly...clean up this mess. Secondly...we'll only be gone a <em>week.</em> Smart,<em> light</em> packing, but don't bring the entire dorm. Get to it, and no oversleeping tomorrow, cause bus don't wait for no one.” </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It truly didn't. A whole day and a half later, Felix and Chan were nudged awake by dusted rays of sunshine seeping in through the curtains to their hotel room. The previous day had been spent in the bus, and upon arrival the group mostly resembled a collection of dirty sponges dragging their wet limbs into the reception. </p><p>But a full night’s rest worked wonders. Felix hadn’t really had a chance to admire the Korean countryside yesterday, since he’d mostly snoozed his way through the bus ride, but now he was game again. And while Chan was still creaking like a rusty car and groaning something about <em>too early</em> on his side of the room, Felix heaved himself up instantly to push the curtains aside.</p><p>Periwinkle blue skies greeted him, coupled with the East Sea stretching into infinity beyond the strips of glimmering, beige sand. As he soaked up the views, a sudden serenity budded within him, reaching all the way into his fingertips. It was a welcome feeling. One he hadn’t felt for some time.</p><p>Before they headed downstairs for the day, Chan insisted he pack all kinds of necessary and unnecessary things — multiple bottles of water, insect repellent, band-aids, and last but not least, his anxiety medication.</p><p>“Never know when it’s needed,” he stated wisely. Felix just chose not to respond, since he knew better than to argue against Chan's occasional wise exclamations.</p><p>Once breakfast was taken care of they all gathered in the foyer, forming a neat line in front of a petite middle-aged lady in beige khakis. Clutching a map of files to her chest, she let her eyes travel over them, one by one, before she spoke.</p><p>“So...hello, young men...my name is Mrs Park, I will be your guide for the day. Your management has set up a guided stroll around Seoraksan National Park for you.”</p><p>As she continued, Chan noticed only five pairs of eyes attentively plastered on her. He made a quick headcount. And the second after, he let out a wheezing breath of disapproval.</p><p>Changbin and Felix were currently frolicking around like a pair of lambs at the other end of the foyer. Not only were they cackling very audibly while doing so, but also paying zero attention to the fact that they should be calmly listening at the moment. Closing the distance between them, Chan tried to latch onto the latter as he weaseled past, but no luck. And <em> truly, </em>he was beyond delighted that Felix flew out of bed like a chirping bird this morning, but it would be helpful if he could tone down the youthful energy, just a notch.</p><p>“Sorry about them...they’re a...little...hyperactive…<em>guys!” </em></p><p>Fed up with waiting for the pair of them to settle down, the rest of the group brought out phones to vacantly start scrolling. Meanwhile, Mrs Park looked like she was downright regretting her choice to even drive to work today. Chan watched her complexion pale by the second, while Felix’s and Changbin’s game of cat and mouse continued.</p><p>It would be nice if they weren’t thrown out of here on the first day, Chan thought, but just as he was about to haul them both back by the scruffs of their necks, Felix crashed into a tall stack of suitcases next to the reception desk. Since it was pretty much unavoidable by then, he landed flat on his ass, right in front of a group of elderly women who were in the process of checking in. </p><p>“<em>Uh</em>...excuse me, ladies…as you were...”</p><p><em>“...Lee</em> <em>Felix and Seo Changbin!</em>”</p><p>Upon hearing their full names, the pair of them instantly sobered up. The rest of the group tittered as a pink-cheeked Changbin helped Felix crawl into standing, before they padded back.</p><p>“Sorry Channie…” Felix dropped his head, pouting in a plea for forgiveness. Who could stay mad at him for longer than a minute, anyway.</p><p>"That was a pretty bad faceplant, are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, fine. Only thing that's bruised is my dignity." Raising a hand to wave sheepishly, Felix fired another apologetic smile in the direction of the poor, startled women by the desk.</p><p>"Deserved. Alright, now calm down and pay attention, okay?” After gathering Felix's sweater sleeve into a fist, and ushering Changbin back into the fold, Chan turned back to Mrs Park again. “Please, after you.”</p><p>“Marvellous. So, as I was saying, today we will be exploring the trails of Seoraksan National Park. You must stay with the group at all times, under no circumstances must you wander off on your own. I have maps here that I will distribute, keep them within reach…”</p><p>Chan's guarding grip on Felix’s sleeve kept him stationary while he impatiently rubber-balled on the spot, already bored by all the information Mrs Park kept grating out. <em> Stay with the group, keep maps available, don’t wander off. </em>Got it. </p><p>He hadn’t felt so jittery and buzzing with energy for...well, ages. And now, he was ready to put his brand new hiking shoes to good use.</p><p>An eternity of nothing passed after they'd scrambled into the car, long enough to make them all jittery, but the mountainside appeared into view outside of the window at last, covered in greenery and with tatters of fog clinging to it. All of them instantly rushed out of their seats, pressing their noses and palms against the window to have a better look, until Chan barked at them to stop because they dirtied the glass.</p><p>It was...breathtaking. But once they exited the car, Felix’s jaw dropped even further. Juniper trees and sturdy oaks surrounded them on each side as they sauntered towards the entrance, blanketed by the lush mountains rising into the sky in the backdrop. His heart floundered in his chest as he absorbed it all.</p><p>Just next to the entrance, there was a statue, a magnificent bear with its paw raised in the air. And before Chan even noticed Felix’s arm sliding out of his loose grasp, he was already next to it, grinning and beckoning him over.</p><p>“Hyung! Come, let’s take a picture here! Jinnie, can you take it?”</p><p>As they settled against it, Chan felt Felix’s hand sneak around him. Copying the action, he curled an arm around his waist and hauled him close.</p><p>“Any good?”</p><p>After they were done, Felix studied the picture on Hyunjin’s phone display, snorting at their exaggerated, toothy smiles and wind-ruffled hair. </p><p>It was a good one. He’d keep it forever.</p><p>“You always look great. Photogenic as you are,” Chan smirked adoringly. Felix’s smile was wide as he seized his hand to pull him along, and after one final inspection by Mrs Park to make sure they all had proper footwear and water bottles ready, they were off.</p><p>For the next few hours, Felix seemingly floated down the undulating trails, leaping ahead of everyone else as he soaked up flowers blooming in technicolor and rivers gently flowing through the dale. They climbed all the way up to an intricately designed buddhist temple, where the view was unparalleled, so far up that the cottony clouds licked at the mountain tops.</p><p>Once they reached the very peak, all he could do was shake his head in open-mouthed disbelief. Crisp air enveloped them, and all the fears that haunted him as of late evaporated into the ether as he drank up the sights.</p><p>“This is just so beautiful.”</p><p>Chan turned to look at him, observing his dusty blonde wisps of hair as they were gently rearranged by the wind, his side profile as his face lit up, freckles kissed by the setting sun. And his heart leapt, because Felix was happy. And when Felix was happy, he shone like the stars themselves.</p><p>After a whole slew of panoramas and selfies from a gazillion different angles, everyone was satisfied. Mrs Park glanced at her wrist watch. It was time to start herding them back. A congregation of darker clouds loomed on the horizon, and it looked like it might rain, even though the sky had been crystal clear not even two hours ago.</p><p>“Okay, let’s start our descent...be careful, you’re probably tired by now, so just slow and easy. We’ll take the shorter trail back.”</p><p>Edging into motion, the little flock began their journey back, not quite as smoothly as before. A whole lot of complaining about grumbling tummies and sore feet followed as they plodded their way down, at snail speed. But Chan did his utmost to keep everyone’s spirits up, promising that they’d head to dinner the second they reached the city center again.</p><p>“Move guys...let’s do a choreo down this hill...freestyle, come on.”</p><p>There was a groan in unison in response to that suggestion. Jisung appeared the most tortured, his eyes scrunching in pain as he clung to the leader in hopes of being offered a piggyback ride.</p><p>“My legs are too short for this, dudes...I wasn’t meant to be a wilderness explorer, that much is apparent by now.”</p><p>Felix, however, was still high on endless endorphins. Scuttling ahead, he snickered at Jisung with his tongue sticking out as they rest dragged their feet behind him. </p><p>“You guys look like a little family of sloths, would never believe you’re k-pop idols.”</p><p>He tittered smugly to himself upon seeing their thunderous faces. As they walked down a passage littered with bushes on each side, a collection of pink, radiant flowers caught his attention, and he had to make a quick stop, snapping a macro to add to his ever-growing collection.</p><p>When he straightened out again, the group had managed to gain momentum on him. Stuffing his phone away, he prepared to catch up, but just as he did he happened to notice a smudge in his peripheral vision. A brown and...very small smudge...</p><p>...a deer. Well, actually, a baby deer, a fawn.</p><p>It stood on the soft muddy trail that led into the woods, some thirty feet from him. Frozen in place, with the ears on high alert and the little scut of a tail twitching slightly. Carefully, so as not to startle it, Felix advanced, awestruck and with his phone in his hand, ready to snap a discreet picture.</p><p>It was so cute. But as he crept closer, it suddenly jumped, the hind legs kicking up dirt as it scampered off. He followed, attempting to record a little snippet of it. The forest thickened and thickened on both sides as he jogged in its wake, but soon, he had to admit defeat. </p><p>There was no way he was catching up to a deer, what exactly had he been thinking?</p><p>As he swung around to head back, he found himself at a crossroads. There was not one, but <em> three, </em> different paths leading in different directions.</p><p>Wait a minute. Which one had he come from?</p><p>Apparently he hadn’t noticed how far he’d ventured, but now he realized that the trees lay denser here, the sunlight barely penetrating the crowns. A sinister feeling sprouted in his gut as he set off into a sprint, the adrenaline propelling him into swift motion.</p><p>But by the time he logically should have reached the next intersection that would lead him onto the main trail, there was nothing. Just the same, very narrow, very unofficial-looking one, with tall trees and shrubs adjoining it on all sides. </p><p>Coming to a halt, he reflected over the situation as his pulse thrashed about in his ear. This couldn’t be happening<em>, not now...</em></p><p>...had he seriously gone and managed to get himself <em> lost </em> when the guide specifically told them to stick with the group? Who the hell gets lost chasing a <em> deer? </em></p><p>With trembling hands, he seized his phone. A moment later, white-hot dread drilled a hole into him as he saw the display. One single percent of battery left.</p><p>“<em>Fuck<span>—</span></em>fucking <em> idiot<span>—</span></em></p><p>He dialed Chan but after just one ring it died completely. Staring at it, he tried to untangle himself, his brain in tatters all of a sudden. What now? What did he need to do?</p><p>
  <em> Go back. Find the way back. </em>
</p><p>He continued, shoving the gurgling anxiety back down, but after what felt like hours and hours, he’d still gotten nowhere. The map was of no use, because he had no sense of direction. Where even was north? South? If anything, he seemed to be running in circles, and now he started to feel it. The bones in his body cramping up, the reality of the situation tugging at him like barbed wire around his throat. </p><p>“Goddammit, no, <em> no</em>, not <em> here</em>…”</p><p>But within a few minutes, sobs tore through him, forcing him down as he fought for air. The ground was cold, twigs and pine cones digging into his palms as he steadied himself, snot mixing with the flowing tears as he cried.</p><p>
  <em> Calm. Calm down.  </em>
</p><p>It crashed through his mind like a mantra, spoken by a tender, grounding voice. But the anxiety was overpowering and soon it felt like someone was sitting in his lungs, punching them from the inside. A sticky layer of sweat connected his clothes to his skin, and after cringing himself out of his sweatshirt, he threw his backpack down to rummage around it until he located the small bottle.</p><p>Opening it took several tries due to how violently his fingers were shaking. And he was <em> scared </em>. This wasn’t how he’d planned on familiarizing himself with these. But what choice did he have, he was bordering on a damn anxiety attack in the middle of nowhere, and his body was slowly but surely pulling him into terror.   </p><p>Rolling the oval-shaped pill between his fingers, he hesitated a moment. </p><p>Screw it. He popped it in. Once he did, the effect was almost immediate. A thin, dry veil coated his throat after he’d washed it down, as if someone had rubbed sandpaper all over it. With a last strained breath, he fell to his haunches, sniffling into his hands and emitting small, useless whimpers into the void.</p><p>
  <em> Chan.  </em>
</p><p>He hugged shivering arms around himself, pretending they were his.</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung..."</em>
</p><p>He repeated it silently, his voice saturated with tears, but no one answered. Just the leaves as they softly rustled around him, accompanied by the swaying and creaking of tree trunks in the wind.</p><p>
  <em> Please come find me. Please. Please please please. </em>
</p><p>Leaning against the base of an oak tree, he felt his heartbeat slowing into a steady rhythm and his limbs slacken. After a few minutes the sniffling ceased too, but soon, dollops of rain started trickling down, as tenebrous darkness gradually fell upon him. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hii</p><p>This turned into a three-shot, to fit all the sap I planned into it 👀</p><p>Ty for reading ♡♡♡ excuse any typos</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>God.</em>..I'm never letting him out of my sight again when we find him, I swear. Need to put him on a leash."</p><p>"It's okay, we'll find him... just...settle down…"</p><p>"I can't, Minho...where the hell is he?"</p><p>Minho's repeated reassurances did little to calm the leader of Stray Kids as he paced the parking lot, frustratingly kicking up gravel as he went. Multiple hours had passed since Felix's disappearance, multiple <em> agonizing </em>hours. And ever since, not a second had gone by without Chan internally bludgeoning his insides to bits from worry.</p><p>With pure, liquid anxiety running in his veins, he wished he could backtrack. To the exact second he'd let him slip away, and just undo it. Grab him by the arm and not let go until they were back. Because that's what it felt like. </p><p>His fault. </p><p>As he continued pushing out little distressed garbles of noise, the rest watched him, equally at a loss of what to do. After searching for Felix, they'd ended up just returning to the start of the trail, hoping that he'd just scuttled ahead. That he'd be waiting for them there, with a sheepish grin and maybe another smug comment about how they were slowpokes.</p><p>But he wasn't. All they encountered was other late-night visitors in progress of exiting the premises, but no bleached-blonde, freckled bundles of energy. No Felixes.</p><p>And at this point, the guilt already hammered inside Chan, threatening to pull him into hyperventilation, too. This trip was supposed to bring them closer<em> together, </em> not split them apart. Right now it was turning into a nightmare along with every excruciating second that Felix's whereabouts remained a mystery. </p><p>And how the <em> hell </em> could Chan have been that irresponsible, letting him fall behind? A proper leader would have paid more attention. They would have. The concern quickly mingled with a looming frustration, not just at Felix — even though he had a couple of well-chosen words in store for him — but at all of them collectively. In their dazed and exhausted condition, it had taken them a good 25 minutes to even notice that one of them was missing.</p><p>All their phone calls had been met with silence, their screams echoing uselessly through the woods. When realizing she'd failed in keeping the herd together, the tour guide, Mrs Lee, immediately called to request backup, and that was the current situation. </p><p>They stood hunkering in silent vigil in the parking lot, all of them hungry and shivering in the rain as they waited for the police to arrive. Chan couldn't see their expressions well in the dim lighting, but judging by the intermittent snivelling, majority of them were in danger of breaking down. </p><p>In a feeble attempt to fill his role as the backbone of the group, he started with a shaky <em>guys...</em> but he didn't get far. His voice cracked, instantly, and Minho wasn’t late to notice. He shot out a hand to block his route, using the other to pull him to his chest.</p><p>"Calm down, Channie. Felix will be alright."</p><p>The firm embrace helped still Chan somewhat. Furiously trembling, he discarded some of his worries into Minho's shirt.</p><p>"I should have kept my eyes on him, why the hell didn't I? I'll never forgive myself if something happens to —”</p><p>"Young man, take it easy." Mrs Lee's voice reached him from a few feet away, motherly and soothing. "This is not your fault. It happens that people get lost in this park, but we will find your friend."</p><p>Chan was grateful for the comforting words, but Hyunjin sounded dangerously close to tears where he stood, long legs folded so he could lean on Changbin for support.</p><p>"It's so dark though, how are you supposed to find him in this huge ass park,” he keened, wringing his shaking hands together. Seungmin caught them, rubbing them with his own. </p><p>“It’s alright, Jinnie, it’ll be —”</p><p>"And there were so many rivers and steep mountainsides and...what if he's —”</p><p>"Don't even finish that," Changbin interrupted, stifling Hyunjin's sob by pushing his chin into the junction of his neck. "He's okay. He’ll be okay. Hopefully he's just sitting tight and waiting for us to come find him."</p><p>"Yeah but he has...his issues," Chan pointed out dejectedly. As he thought about what must be running through Felix’s mind right now, the knot inside him tightened painfully. He must be scared, hungry, alone, and...so fragile to begin with. </p><p>The group fell silent while they listened to the quiet tapping of rain against leaves, the ominous hooting of an owl somewhere in the distance. There hadn't been enough time to properly elaborate on Felix’s recent appointment with the doctor, but they knew about his anxiety attacks. All of them aware, and continuously trying their best to help.</p><p>The sniffling increased, their blood running cold as a relentless gust of wind blew past.</p><p>Wiping his nose on Minho's sweater, Chan felt one last squeeze around his shoulder before he untangled them. No matter how difficult, he had to force himself to act like a leader right now.</p><p>"Guys, the rain is picking up." Throwing his backpack off, he started rummaging through it, motioning for the rest to follow suit. "Come on, get your coats out. Don't want everyone to catch pneumonia on top of everything."</p><p>While they busied themselves with it, Chan could faintly see the outline of Mrs Lee. She lingered in the middle of the road, anxiously waiting for the police to arrive. After a few more tortuous minutes it was finally lit up by multiple headlights, and Chan could release some of the pent up tension.</p><p>"Oh thank god, okay."</p><p>The small congregation — a group of police officers with their dogs, plus the group’s manager, Mr Jung — hastily disembarked, instantly rushing towards them to bombard them with questions. There was a lot of humming and wild gesticulating as Mrs Lee recited the events, during which Chan remained quiet. Up until their manager all but ordered them to return to the hotel, that is. </p><p>"No, manager-nim," he instantly exclaimed, stumbling forward and slapping his palms together in a pleading gesture. "No no no, you have to let me come with you, okay, it’s —”</p><p>"Chan!" Mr Jung was unrelenting as he overruled him, obviously stressed in the face of this dilemma. "You must return to the hotel now, with your members. It’s cold and dark, we'll, take care of this, it'll be—”</p><p>"No, listen," Chan chewed him off, not caring about the fact that he came off pretty rude at the moment. "You know Felix is...he has anxiety as it is, and he's not dealing very well with it." </p><p>He paused briefly to glance over his shoulder, only to receive synchronized nodding from the rest of the members. </p><p>"He’s probably scared shitless,” he continued, "...he's alone right now, and...you have to let me come."</p><p>Mr Jung gave a low grunt. A heated argument followed, in which Chan displayed some spitting, uncharacteristic attitude — but he still came out the winner. Mr Jung agreed with a vexed head shake, but nodded toward the awaiting van to emphasize the next statement.</p><p>"Okay, okay. But you're the only one. The rest return to the hotel, now, that's final."</p><p>After hearing this decision, it was the quiet maknaes turn to revolt. While the rest of them realized it was futile to put up a fight, Jeongin didn't appear willing to climb into any cars anytime soon.</p><p>"What?! NO!" </p><p>He glared defiantly at Mr Jung, all traces of gentle mannerisms suddenly gone with the wind. "Why just Chan?! Fuck that, that’s unfair, I won’t to go. I’m leaving to look for Felix right now.”</p><p>Mr Jung stepped forward, acting as a roadblock and attempting to herd him into the opposite direction.</p><p>“Jeongin, go to the car right this instant, we’ll take care of this.”</p><p><em> “No.” </em>After digging his heels into the asphalt, Jeongin blatantly refused to move even an inch. Mr Jung’s fingers closing around his arm and yanking did nothing to help, he was like a block of cement rooted on the spot.</p><p>“Yang Jeongin. You will return to the hotel with the rest of the group at once.”</p><p>“No, <em> NO, I won't</em>. <em> You can’t make us go </em>—”</p><p>"Jeongin<em>.</em>" Seizing him by the shoulders, Chan managed to silence him with a stony expression that clearly meant business. "Please, don't argue right now. You're soaked and tired, can't lose you in the woods too." His tone softened as he gave him a little push, nodding at Jisung to catch him.</p><p>"Go with the others, okay. It's alright.”</p><p><em> "But hyu </em> <em> — </em>”</p><p>"No. Now, come on. Hyung will bring Felix back, promise."</p><p>The police officers were growing increasingly impatient. After a short staring contest, a teary sigh echoed through the evening as Jeongin gave up. Chan broke as he watched him wipe leaking eyes and throw one last wounded glance, before being escorted to the car by Jisung. </p><p>He really hoped to be able to keep the promise he’d given.</p><p>As they walked through the gate again in a fast-paced march, all Chan felt for the same tall trees he’d admired earlier was loathing. And screw the fact that it was cultural heritage, right now he was ready to cut every single one of them into stumps just to find Felix. </p><p>They towered before him. Thick, baleful and separating them.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Felix had lost all comprehension of time. But it must have been hours.</p><p>Mentally flailing, he remained leaning against the tree as the surroundings turned jet black. He felt like he was sitting inside himself, watching the world from behind a thin veil. The tears kept trickling down, shallowly, but his expression remained deadpan, his body forced into quiet submission thanks to the medication.</p><p>He vaguely registered a decline in his body temperature, joints stiffening. Felt the tiredness, the hunger. But even reaching for the backpack to dig out his coat seemed like too much of an effort.</p><p>His body was telling him <em>— </em><em>sleep.</em> <em>Rest,</em> succumb to the hands wanting to pull him under, bidding him into merciful slumber. His head lolled to the side in preparation, before some semi-active part of his brain sent out their own signals to jolt him awake again.</p><p>No. No, no, no, absolutely <em> don’t </em> fall asleep.</p><p>The muddy ground was uncomfortably hard, leaving grime stuck to his bare knees as he squirmed. Shorts didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. The forgiving summer air had allowed it, earlier, but the night was everything but balmy and the rain was gradually freezing him into an icicle. Even though he couldn't feel it properly, the non-idle part of him told him it was about to get really bad.</p><p>With the last bit of strength he had, he hauled the windbreaker out of his backpack and wrapped it around himself. But it was soaked too.</p><p>Thoughts flitted through his mind intermittently. He was...utterly lost. In more ways than one, and the fault lay within himself, as usual. Crippling regret flooded in like a tidal wave, not enough to push him into panic again — he was too doped up. But it was enough to make him crane his head back, stare at the star-prickled sky and nearly choke as snot ran down his throat.</p><p>If only he'd listened to Chan today. He’d been trying to tell him something important about paying attention and Felix just ignored it, just entertaining his own childish curiosity, and now he was here. If only he would have. If only, if only, if only.</p><p>The tremble in his fingers picked up as he dug through his backpack again, locating the juice box Chan had stuffed into it before they left. Always so thoughtful, hyung.</p><p>As he sipped it, a small, sweet comfort in the predicament he found himself in, another torrent of muddled thoughts flowed through him. Were they currently out looking for him? They must be, right?</p><p>JYP would be angry at him. Maybe angry enough to consider him irresponsible and a burden, maybe angry enough to...kick him out.</p><p>And just like that, he was back where he started, same damn insecurity ripping at him even in this state of benevolent numbness. </p><p>He had two choices — curl into a ball and let the unrelenting night be his demise. Or get up and just keep going in any old direction.</p><p>The ground was so inviting, but with a determination he didn’t know he possessed, he finally heaved himself up. </p><p>He took a small step. </p><p>And then another, and another, stumbling like a drunkard but moving, nonetheless. As he did, it occurred to him that this beautiful place had turned into a death trap. The chirping birds and colorfully blooming flowers were gone, transformed into a terrifying, pitch black labyrinth.</p><p>Each limb felt equal to a ton of bricks. But somehow, he still trudged his way forward. Left, right, left, right. His body had reverted to a state of hibernation, closing in on itself and still hazily chanting at him to give up, go lay down and surrender to the clutches of sleep.</p><p>But he wouldn’t, and as he forced himself to pick up the speed, he let out a wince as something — a tree branch — grazed his cheek. Blindly swatting away more of them, he waded through the shrubs, the gentle rain turning into pouring rain above him.</p><p>Soon, his hair lay glued to his forehead, and hours had turned into years. Walking turned into almost-crawling until his shoe hit a rock and he tripped, crying out as he shot palms out to cushion the fall.</p><p>
  <em> "Shit!" </em>
</p><p>He screamed then, where he lay hunched on the ground. A hysteria-tinged cry for help, but no one came. The reverb was audible for a second, quickly fading into nothingness as it was swallowed by the vast forest.</p><p>Then, another lamented<em> "hyung." </em> His nose was congested, the sound escaping distorted and rough.</p><p>It was palpable now. The slowed circulation in his legs, nasty, icy waves spreading through him like a virus. It forced him down again, face buried in his hands as he just cried and cried and cried into the night.</p><p>
  <em> "What should I do...I’m so sorry.” </em>
</p><p>After repeating it until his vocal cords were sandpaper, he let his stinging eyes flutter shut. The muddy ground felt like the softest of beds as he finally sank down, and gave up.</p><p>He could sleep. Just for a while. Hope they would find him, or...just drift into the void. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep, he <em> needed </em> to sleep. It was all he could think about.</p><p>But just as he'd decided to capitulate, he blinked, suddenly alert. Was that...someone? Or just an auditory hallucination? </p><p>It had sounded sharp. Too sharp for a lucid dream.</p><p>Wincing, he dug hands and knees into the mushy ground for leverage. As he rose, he heard it again. He wasn't sure if he was hearing phantom sounds or not.</p><p>With his heartbeat pummeling his chest, he stumbled towards it, ignoring the branches of trees trying to claw at his cheeks.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Chan was freezing. But not as freezing as Felix, that was for sure. That knowledge kept him going, despite the fact that they were no closer to finding him. It felt like they'd scoured the entire area already, but it was difficult to keep track. The group's manager walked next to Chan, vigilantly making sure he didn't stray too far, and intermittently muttering about how <em>these boys would be the death of him. </em></p><p>The police officers led the small squad, flashlights illuminating the surroundings with a ghost-like, dusty glow.</p><p>But they didn't pick up on anything, and the poor police dogs were soaked by now.</p><p>The cascading rain showed no signs of stopping, either. And if Chan was freezing even in his many layers of clothes, he didn't even want to think about what state Felix would be in if they found him.</p><p><em> When </em> they found him.</p><p>"How fucking big is this stupid park," Chan sneered, mostly to himself as he struggled onwards.</p><p>"It's big...but not endless. If Felix is moving right now he might have missed us, it would be better if he stayed put. <em> Aish, </em> I forgot to inform the young men about what they should do if they found themselves separated from the group..."</p><p>Mrs Lee's despair was evident, the end of the sentence butchered by growing concern. Chan was quick to assure her it wasn't her fault, receiving backup from Mr Jung.</p><p>"Don't worry Mrs Lee, Felix is a smart and resilient boy, he'll be okay."</p><p>As they soldiered on, worst-case scenarios visited Chan at a regular pace. Scenarios where Felix wandered too far and maybe even ended up in the very outskirts of the park, venturing into completely unknown territory. Scenarios where he lay on the ground, temperature dropping below sub-zero before they could get to him. He was so small, barely weighed anything. It wouldn’t take long.</p><p>As harrowing imagery flooded his brain, Chan's gut twisted in on itself again.</p><p>
  <em>I'm so sorry Felix.</em>
</p><p>He'd do anything, anything to find him right now.</p><p>"Chan, watch out!"</p><p>Mr Jung managed to catch his arm at the last second. He’d veered too far to the side, crashing into the railing overlooking one of the pulsating rivers. As he stared into the flowing abyss below him, blinking, the tapping of rain against his coat mingled with the current. It sounded...strong. Strong enough to pull you into oblivion if you fell into it.</p><p>"God...shit." </p><p>What if Felix had fallen into — <em> no. </em> He hadn't.</p><p>"I think this is quite enough."</p><p>Mr Jung was inclined to agree with the police officer's verdict. Chan idled on the spot while they held a brief conference, impatiently listening as they wrangled back and forth.</p><p>"We won’t find him like this, it’s too dark and we need backup units," one of the police officers finally concluded. “It's already 2am, we'll dispatch a helicopter to sweep the area from above, but the young man should head back."</p><p>"No, what? I’m not going back, I'm staying here and continuing looking for—"</p><p>Before Chan could finish, he found himself gently poked in the back by Mr Jung.</p><p>“You’ve done what you can, let’s go.”</p><p>“I said I’m not <em> going </em>—"</p><p>"<em>Bang Christopher Chan! </em> You can walk back to the hotel by yourself or I can drag you there, understand?!"</p><p>The no-nonsense tone left no room for arguing, but Chan wasn't about to just accept it. Filthy words he’d never even dream of using otherwise fell out of him, increasing in volume as he was manhandled into motion. A police officer flanked him on each side, and Mr Jung was practically begging him at this point.</p><p>"Please, it's late! Remember what you said to Jeongin? So be cooperative now, we need to get you dry, I'm responsible for all you boys!"</p><p>"<em>Yeah, I know, </em>but I’m already here, what if Felix is just around the corner?!”</p><p>"Chan!"</p><p>
  <em> "NO!"  </em>
</p><p>He stopped thrashing when something — a noise, barely there — jarred him.</p><p>"What was that?"</p><p>"What was what?"</p><p>One of the police officers had his coat sleeve in a death grip, impatiently tugging on it. As he heard it again, Chan wrenched himself loose, and bolted. Ignoring the string of curses left in his wake, he only halted for a fraction of a second to shut out the howling of the wind in order to isolate the sound.</p><p>It had sounded like <em> hyung</em>. He was sure of it.</p><p>"Felix!"</p><p>The strain of having to shout for hours had rendered him hoarse, but he made himself repeat it regardless as he plodded through the wilderness — and there it was again.</p><p>A weak <em>hyung, </em>a mere whisper, but it definitely was. Unless he was starting to imagine things, because he just wanted so badly to find him. </p><p>The police squad and Mr Jung followed close on his heels, but Chan only had one goal in mind. Continuing onwards. </p><p>He kept repeating it —<em> Felix, Felix, Felix </em>— until he received a faint staccato of his own name in return, amplifying with each step.</p><p>Shining his flashlight into the distance, he squinted. There was a figure there — not trees or bushes or rocks — a <em> someone </em>, staggering towards him. At first, all he could make out was a muddled, monochrome blur, but the closer it got the more solid it appeared. White windbreaker, black shorts, and it was definitely —</p><p>"FELIX!"</p><p>He set off in a sprint, lungs bleeding from the effort, but he didn’t slow down, not until he’d closed the gap between them. When he finally reached him, a sob tore through Felix as he pushed out one last <em>hyung </em>before collapsing into Chan's extended arms.</p><p>"Oh my god, oh my — Felix, <em>thank fuck</em>..."</p><p>Relief washed over him, like a cleansing monsoon. While holding the limp body horizontal, he felt the tremors passing to his own torso as Felix started stuttering and hacking disjointedly.</p><p>"C-chan — I'm so sorry...I'm so <em> cold</em>…"</p><p>"Yeah, you are, aren't you...it's okay, though, it'll be okay, we found you, it's okay."</p><p>When Felix just continued the anguished wailing, Chan scooped him up in his arms. He felt like a solid block of ice, sobs racking his small frame intermittently as he was cradled and shushed.</p><p>"<em>Oh goodness </em> — <em> Felix-ah —" </em></p><p>Mr Jung finally caught up. Hovering over them like a mother goose, he made an attempt to pry Felix out of Chan arms to pass him to one of the policemen — but he bluntly refused to let go. He carried Felix all the way back, with his snotty nose pressed to his chest and his hands clinging to his neck.</p><p>Once they arrived, his legs were on fire, but he didn't care. Not one bit. As the medical staff loaded Felix onto a stretcher, Chan remained close to him.</p><p>“Be careful with him, please.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, we will.”</p><p>Mr Jung didn’t even dare protest when Chan announced he’d tag along for the ride. Inside the ambulance, he watched as Felix was quickly tended to and covered with a thick pile of blankets. In the sterile fluorescent lights, he finally soaked up the full state of him — faintly leaking scratches criss-crossing his cheeks, lips a ghastly blue, his hair matted and hanging from his head in wet strips.</p><p>While keeping a hand on the blanket, he inhaled before dialing the hotel.</p><p>"Hey," he croaked as soon as it was picked up, by Hyunjin. "We found him. We found Felix."</p><p>There was a shriek at the other end, followed by hysterical sobbing in the background. It sounded like Jeongin. None of them seemed to have gone to sleep yet, and Chan had expected as much. </p><p>After ending the call, he turned back to Felix, suppressed emotion welling up in his throat as he rested a palm on his cheek. Cold. So cold. And the tears came, finally.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Robotical beeping nudged Felix into consciousness a few hours later. Instantly hissing, the first thing he registered was a thousand-decibel pounding in his temples. As he finally pried his eyes open, he readied himself for the darkness. But there was none. The opposite awaited him — a bright light, forcing his eyelids shut again.  </p><p>Someone — choppy-voiced, but familiar-sounding — tried to communicate with him. He appeared far, far away and yet so close.</p><p>"Lix...do you have a headache? I'll tell them to get you some painkillers if you're allowed to have them, hold up —"</p><p>"Wha — where am I —"</p><p>Lowering his gaze, he saw something attached to the back of his hand. A plastic snake — <em> what the hell</em>. Still stuck in delirium, he made for it, but his arm was quickly latched on to and held down.</p><p>"<em>Careful, </em>don't rip the IV out —"</p><p>
  <em> "I don't want it —" </em>
</p><p>"<em>Felix</em>, stop, stop. You're at the hospital. Calm down, okay, calm down. Everything's okay.”</p><p>"Hospital...<em>what</em>..."</p><p>The environment was a confusing soup of smudged shapes and shadows, but the contours of the face hovering above him gradually sharpened. The color palette — dark brown and sandy beige and dusted pink — painted a face, one he hadn’t expected to see anytime soon.</p><p>“...Chan?”</p><p>"Yeah. It's me. We found you, you had hypothermia but you're okay now. You’re feeling groggy because of the meds you took, but you'll be as good as new soon. You just need to rest some more and in the morning I'll take you back to the hotel, alright?"</p><p>Felix was able to focus on his face now. He looked so worn out, <em>god.</em> Mud stuck to his cheek and his lips chapped but...there were dimples as he greeted him with a smile. No hallucination was this detailed. If the dimples were there, it meant this was real and Felix had really escaped the paradise-turned-deadly-swamp.</p><p>At first he felt gratitude, but it morphed into something else quickly. Crushing remorse, escaping in the form of a tiny tear. One, and then two, and then a whole flood of them.</p><p>He was the reason Chan looked like a drenched sock puppet. Lumps grew in his throat, his voice cracking as he cried into his hands, wondering how he even had any tears left at this point.</p><p>"I’m s-sorry, I'm really sorry, for putting you through this, please...don't...don't be mad at me..."</p><p>He didn't even have time to finish that sentence. There was an abrasive <em>no,</em> and then his fingers were forced off his cheeks, the IV moved out of the way so Chan could scoot closer to him.</p><p>"Felix, calm down…I'm not mad, I was so worried, though."</p><p>"Why not, I was an <em> idiot</em>..."</p><p>"Nah, stop it. Don't worry about it now. I’m sorry for losing you, I should have paid more attention. It'll be okay now, though. It turned out alright, you hear?”</p><p>“JYP will kick me out —"</p><p>“No. No, stop. Shush. He won’t, you're rambling, it’s alright. Everything will be fine, it’ll be fine.”</p><p>Chan crawled into his bed. Careful not to jostle him too much, he settled at the very outer edge, before pulling him in. With a thumb tracing the hollow of his cheek, he whispered soothingly at him until the beseeching grew quieter and quieter. </p><p>“Shhh. It’ll be okay. I promise you."</p><p>Felix didn’t believe him. Nothing would be okay. But he drew one last shaky breath nonetheless, nestling into the crook of Chan's neck. As fingers tangled into his hair, he allowed the hushed voice to dispel his fears, at least momentarily. Chan settled his chin on top of his head, watching his chest rise and fall as he finally drifted off.</p><p>"It's alright," he mumbled, holding him as close as he possibly could. "I love you, Lixie. Go to sleep."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello </p><p>Well, it only took forever, but after this thing sat near close to finished on my hard drive for months, it is done.<br/>Somehow the last chapter ended up as long as the first two chapters combined even though it's like, 100% fluff and comfort (exactly what the doctor ordered) without any plot whatsoever,<br/>but let's not question it </p><p>Thanks for reading ♡ and please excuse typos, because there's guaranteed to be some</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix was content with this. Running through the forest with a spring to his step, his mind remained clear of worry and fear, body no longer starved and broken. It was almost as if someone was steering him now, pressing fingertips — warm, as if they had been dipped in the sun itself — against his shoulder blades, nudging him onward. The sky was a deep purple, much too vivid to be real, and baby blue tree trunks and rainbow-colored bushes framed his path. At the time, the unnatural color scheme appeared perfectly normal. </p><p>Finding the road back like this, with no perilous darkness obscuring his view, would be easy, even though the nature around him seemed to fade in and out of focus, like his vision was a camera lens zooming in and out. He had no idea when exactly the rainstorm had blown over to make way for such abundant sunlight, but he figured it didn’t matter. All he knew was that he didn't want it to end.</p><p>It did, however, end. A rumbling came from above, making him involuntarily stiffen and throw palms up to cover his ears. He heard himself whine pitifully in protest, <em>no, stop,</em> movements becoming more sluggish and delayed, his soaked sneakers sticking to the ground and slowing him down.</p><p>"I don't wanna —"</p><p>"Felix, no, relax...I’m just carrying you up to our hotel room, you're okay.</p><p>The sky darkened a few shades just as he thought he was done for, his body announcing it was shutting down, for good. But as his back hit a springy surface, white noise started buzzing around him, morphing into faint whispers with no apparent source. The voices filtered in gradually, some mild and distant, others raised and so close they grazed his ear, but when he swung around, no one was there.</p><p>“Felix? Felix! Will he be okay, how is he so pale?!”</p><p>“Shhh, Jisung, keep it down...he’ll be just fine, the hospital gave him the all clear, but he needs to sleep.”</p><p>They were too irritating, too invasive, disturbing the peace that had reigned until very recently. Pink and turquoise leaves swiveled down from the trees as a gust of wind shook them, the unimposing evening light piercing their thick crowns, illuminating his path again. </p><p>He should carry on, find them. But he was still stuck — and <em>tired.</em></p><p>Maybe it was a cause for concern, the inability to move no matter how hard he tried, but somehow, he didn’t panic. Studying his arm, he found it bizarre to see his windbreaker dry and no longer mud-stained, and he didn’t feel cold, either — just tired, so incredibly exhausted. Since he wasn’t getting anywhere he sank down on his haunches instead, thinking he could allow himself to rest. Just a minute. </p><p>“Hyunjin...dim the lights, please...”</p><p>The sky grew even murkier, the sun obscured by gargantuan clouds. Startled by a rustle coming from the thickets next to him, Felix yelped, wide-eyed and ready for a bloodthirsty <em> something </em>to jump him. But it was no such thing. A tiny, bright orange fox with a fluffed up tail darted out, followed by its companion, a snow white bunny. The two animals began running in circles around him while he kept eyes trained on them, bewildered. However outlandish of a sight, he couldn’t help but chuckle softly at their friendly game of cat and mouse, the bunny constantly staying one leap ahead of the fox and peering back at it, as if to taunt it.</p><p>As he paid closer attention to his surroundings, he could see there were other animals nearby, too. The outlines of many pairs of ears and tails were visible in the distance, peeking out from behind trees and shrubs, but they were too far away to be identified properly.</p><p>“Minho, Jeongin! Stop bouncing on him, aish...I said he needs to<em> sleep —” </em></p><p>“Sorry hyung...is he okay though? He’s like a limp ragdoll.”</p><p>“Yeah, he’ll be fine. I told you, he’s exhausted and he just needs to sleep it off.”</p><p>Felix opened his mouth to speak, to <em>answer</em>, but nothing emerged. The animals came to a stop before him, ears perking and eyes scanning him curiously.</p><p>“<em>Hey, </em> what did I just tell you! <em> Please </em> don’t slam the door —”</p><p>The earth quaked, and Felix lost his balance, throwing palms out to cushion the fall. But the ground wasn’t soggy anymore either, it was dry to the touch, and pleasantly spongy underneath his fingers. Very suitable for a nap.</p><p>"Sorry hyung!"</p><p>"It's okay, uh...but you need to clear out and go to sleep, it’s late. You can talk to him tomorrow, alright? He'll be alright here."</p><p>"Okay, sure...come on guys, let's go."</p><p>Fox and bunny traipsed off, while Felix remained on the spot, astonished and on the verge of yelling <em> wait!, </em> to ask them to stay, but again, nothing came out. He looked up to the sky, felt the sun's beams all over his cheeks like hot sand, no icy rain or wind pummeling him, like before. What arrived next should have been enough to scare him, but it still didn't; a thick fog trickling in, worming its way around the trees until it encased him on all sides. </p><p>“It’s okay Felix, just relax.”</p><p>Maybe the voice actually belonged to a quite sympathetic-sounding grim reaper, about to whisk him into the afterlife, but whatever the case might be, he had no way of fighting it, no more energy left to spend. Nothing existed, nothing but the white fog and snippets of dialogue without much context or meaning, but he still managed to think that it would be unfortunate, to go like this. So dumb. </p><p>
  <em> Aspiring k-pop star doesn’t follow leader, gets lost in forest, freezes.</em>
</p><p>“Hold on a moment, just rearranging your pillow.”</p><p>“<em>Chan… </em>”</p><p>All thoughts ceased then. Felix knew he was warm, and that there was someone keeping him warm. A rift opened to split the ground in two, something nudging at his back again and tipping him forward. He fell, several floors down, falling and falling without ever hitting the bottom. He might have whispered something akin to <em> hyung </em>just before letting go, voice rickety and barely carrying, but he couldn't be so sure. By the time the reply came, he was long gone.</p><p>“Yeah. You'll feel better after you’ve slept, I'll stay with you.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>In many ways, clawing into consciousness after what felt like an eternity of non-existence was an experience worse than all those hours spent in fetal position, trembling and crying. Felix could feel his nostrils flaring, his upper lip contorting in anger as he was pulled out of the cocoon that had become his haven. This new air felt too sticky in his throat, the sheets like a spiked mat digging into his back in comparison.<em> It hurt </em>, his tendons stretched to breaking point, muscles sore, all stupid senses returning and reminding him exactly how battered he was.</p><p>It was dark again. No matter how frenetically he batted his lashes, there was nothing but darkness, and he figured he needed to get moving. He managed it, flipping over, only to cry out the next moment. He'd just crashed, into something rock solid — the floor, as it turned out, the impact sending a twinge of pain through his ribs. Lights flicked on, equal to a thousand suns, and he could do nothing but thrash and panic and throw a hand up to shield himself against the stinging brightness.</p><p>"Woah, what’s going — no, <em> no</em>, calm down…"</p><p><em> “Where am I — </em>”</p><p>"Listen, listen, you're safe. Not in the woods anymore, you just fell out of bed. It’s okay."</p><p>Hands reached for him, finding purchase around his waist and laying him against something soft and knitted. The fog on the mirror cleared slowly, and as he settled in the arms supporting him, Felix zeroed in on whatever was closest — the wallpaper, which didn't look at all like tree trunks — and then, down at his hands. They were marred with tiny cuts and scratches, foul reminders of the rough treatment they'd received out in the wilderness. Fingers encircled his waist, holding it as if it was the rarest of gems. They looked familiar, too. So did the joggers whoever was holding him was wearing, and their ribcage, rising and falling in sync to his own breaths.</p><p>Chan. He was laying in Chan’s arms, and the soft, knitted thing was his sweater, midnight blue, the same he’d worn on the night they arrived. He wasn’t in the woods anymore. </p><p>"Yeah, there you go," Chan praised, allowing himself to sigh and lean back against the edge of the bed, with Felix’s limp, shell-shocked  body safely tucked against his chest. </p><p>"See, everything's okay baby." </p><p>Felix came to life again, slowly, eyes alight with the smallest hint of recognition as he peered upwards. Chan smiled crookedly at the hesitant, raspy utter of his name. </p><p>"Uhuh, it’s me. It's okay, you’re just a bit loopy."</p><p>“Fuck, I’m sorry, I don’t know how that happened,” Felix muttered, in rough, unfinished Korean. Not being able to express himself properly made him, if possible, even more distressed — until Chan shushed him and he realized who he was actually talking to.</p><p>“Oh —”</p><p>“Yeah, mate,” Chan confirmed, to stress it even further. “You’re a little out of it, aren’t you. Now for some announcements. We're in our hotel room, if that wasn't apparent yet, and the time is seven PM. You were asleep all of yesterday.” </p><p><em> "What," </em> Felix rasped out, struck entirely with how bizarre it felt, to sleep through several days. But Chan’s body heat and thumping heartbeat was enough to start his blood circulation up again. His brain began patching things up, creating a frozen dam of unsafe memories that broke and overflowed slowly. He'd managed to get himself lost, and do nothing but run in circles, for hours. </p><p>Pathetic, he felt utterly <em> pathetic</em>. He couldn’t stop the anxious wringing of his hands, nor the little, restless whimpers spilling from his lips. Chan adjusted his grip so he had a better view of him, feeling such a tremendous ache in his heart as he saw him, misty-eyed and so burdened again.</p><p>“I — I'm really sorry<em>.</em>" Felix’s voice escaped thick, and after only a few syllables, the tears rolled heavy down his cheeks, choking up his already sore throat. “I’m sorry about this, about getting lost, about not charging my dumb phone, about being so stupid,” he whined out, as monochrome imagery of the labyrinth of trees and IV-bags and hospital beds finally flooded in, bruising his already disoriented and insecure mindset. </p><p>“Stop that right now kid, it all turned out alright in the end.”</p><p>Maybe it did, but they had to send out a whole search operation to look for Felix. <em> Always causing trouble</em>, he thought, whether it be struggling with Korean or a choreography, or just plain struggling to listen when someone was telling him something important. </p><p>“This was supposed to be a fun trip and I just messed it up for everyone, as usual,” he confessed, voice teeny and useless. “They had to spend almost two days just worrying about me...didn’t they?”</p><p>If the rest were present, Felix would put on a brave front. But they weren’t, so he dared to be his own, unguarded self, uncaring of the waste water leaking from his eyes and dripping onto his t-shirt, creating darker gray patches.</p><p>“I told you Felix, you didn’t mess anything up,” Chan countered, a tad harshly, because he needed him to understand. “Of course they worried, but we found you, yeah?”</p><p>But Felix argued nonetheless. With the strength of someone that wasn’t currently physically challenged, he claimed, stubbornly, that he <em> did. </em> There was no convincing him otherwise, either. He started squirming much too restlessly, palms pushing at Chan’s chest in a bid to escape, so he reluctantly eased up a bit to give him space. </p><p>Felix crawled off swiftly as a ferret, only to settle against the wall and draw knees up to his chest, his eyes flitting about and breaths quickening, alarmingly fast. </p><p><em> Not this again, </em> Chan thought, eyes narrowing in concern at the sight. He was certain Felix wouldn’t even be able to take another panic attack, not after yesterday’s ordeal, and neither did he want to resort to his anxiety medication again — hell no. By now, after all he’d been through, Chan was more than wary of simply feeding pills into Felix and hoping for the best.</p><p>“It’s okay, no more panicking now, you’re okay,” he tried, instead, but Felix was somewhere else entirely. Inside his own head, more precisely.</p><p><em> “I’m not, </em> I’ll get kicked out again<em>, I just know it.” </em></p><p><em> “No, </em> you won’t, come on. You won't get kicked out just cause you got lost in a park. Take it easy now.<em>” </em>He dragged himself closer, extending a hand to run the pads of his fingers down Felix’s upper arm. He swung around to face him, but flinched the second he made contact, so that was a no go. </p><p>“Okay, alright, calm down...hey, Felix? Do you think you can breathe with me?”</p><p>Thinking it might help, Chan focused his mind on keeping a slow, exaggerated breathing pattern he could mimic, instead. “Three in, five out,” he encouraged, peering into Felix’s panicked, tearful eyes, and noticing with dismay the tremble of his irises. God, he hoped he wouldn't just suddenly seize out, or something. The group’s manager, Mr Jung, wasn’t even at the hotel at the moment, he’d  gone out to dinner with the rest.</p><p>“Come on, baby,” he said again, adding some stress into the words, and more tooth into his smile. “Three in, hold, and five out.” </p><p>Normally, it was five seconds in, ten seconds out, but Chan wasn’t even sure that Felix could handle that much without fainting, so three and five would get the job done. He’d gathered his hands into sweater paws, knuckles pressed against the floorboards to calm himself, sob after sob tearing new holes in Chan's poor heart.</p><p>“Felix, breathe, and look at me,” he commanded gently. Several excruciating, rustling breaths passed, but it seemed to work. He focused flighty eyes on Chan, and then, at the floor, as he saw his hand approach again, inch by inch.</p><p>Their fingers touched, entwining quickly out of old habit. Felix looked up at the only person grounding him right now, saw his smile, a little strained, but there, and heard his voice weep where his eyes wouldn’t.</p><p>“Have I ever let anything bad happen to you?” </p><p>Felix kept his eyes locked on Chan, on the rich brown shade of his eyes, matched by his hair, a little curly since he had let it air-dry. Eventually, he stopped shaking too, his body going still, the crying reduced to the occasional hiccup as his lungs recovered from the abuse. The calm after the storm swept in, leaving him with a dull stare and small, drying puddles on his cheeks while they sat unmoving, the sheets and comforter in tangles all around them.</p><p>
 <em>"Hyung —" </em>
</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>Once it all fizzled out, and Felix saw the surroundings a little clearer, he’d almost forgotten why he’d even panicked in the first place. </p><p>Chan reminded him of home. Of saltwater and barbecues and kangaroos and rolling vowels, his presence like a lighthouse in the vast, unmapped ocean Felix had to navigate, when everything felt a little too foreign and intimidating, and he was right. </p><p>Chan had never let anything bad happen to him, if there was anything he could do to prevent it. Ever. </p><p>Nodding minutely, Felix managed to smile, even though it cracked. “No.”</p><p>“And I won’t. You’ll be okay, you know. No one’s mad at you, they’re all just so relieved we found you.”</p><p>It’s all he’d tried to do ever since their paths crossed, look out for him, always staying by his side at vocal practice, in the dance studio and at interviews and in examination rooms, wishing that he might catch a break, for once.</p><p>Chan sat with him now, too, until Felix's eyelids felt like cement and he dozed off again, very briefly in his arms. He wasn’t about to let that tidbit of information slip, but Mr Jung had no qualms at all about chastising him earlier — albeit gently — for managing to lose one of his protégés. </p><p>Finding Felix in the woods had been horrific, not to mention, seeing him so small, so weak, in the hospital bed. The machines hadn’t looked right next to him, too sterile and cold hooked up to his arm, his fingertips and lips remaining a ghastly blue long after he’d been covered in thick blankets. Long enough to paralyze Chan with fear and helplessness. </p><p>
  <em> K-pop idol perishes in a national park after irresponsible leader lets him wander off. </em>
</p><p>Wouldn't that be a headline.</p><p>Felix could never scare him like that again. He did have a few select words in store for him, a tall stack of<em> didn’t I ask you to listen, </em>for later.</p><p>Similar to Chan, Felix wasn't the tallest of guys, which meant his upper body fit like a glove in his embrace. But this position wasn't the most practical, and his legs were left resting awkwardly on the floor at an angle that must be putting strain on his spine. But Felix himself didn't seem to mind. Chan let him sleep for a good fifteen minutes, before nudging him awake by softly speaking his name, repeatedly. On the fifth elongated <em> Feeeeliix,</em> the target pried an eye open, mid-snore.</p><p>Robbed of his voice again, he stretched out in Chan’s arms with a low groan, clearly dissatisfied about being disturbed in the middle of his nap.</p><p>“Hey there,” Chan greeted him, allowing himself to relax, too, for the first time in hours — maybe days. Once Felix finally managed to garble a<em> hey </em> in return, Chan stealthily reached in the top drawer of the bedside table, to grab the thermometer he knew he'd left in there yesterday.</p><p>
  <em> "What —" </em>
</p><p>"Relax for a second, okay." He quickly brushed chunks of wavy, clotted hair out of the way, to ease it into Felix's ear. "Just checking your fever."</p><p>Felix didn't like that at all, barely lucid and grouchy as he was. But his coordination was also severely lagging, so by the time his hand shot up to actually do anything about it, the thermometer was already being pulled out and examined by Chan.</p><p>“Seems like you’re not burning up anymore at least, good.”</p><p>With mind laid to rest — and before Felix could get too comfortable again — he helped him up on the bed, reaching the conclusion that they'd spent way too much time on the floor already.</p><p>"I have a horrible headache.” Felix said, grimacing, once he sat cross-legged on the mattress again. Without the distraction of his panic attack, he realized his head actually pounded like a mining drill. "The side effects of those pills were brutal. My throat is so dry, and my head is all soupy, and I feel gross but I have no energy to shower,” he sulked. It was true, and the thought made him almost fall over in exhaustion again. At least he was dressed in a clean t-shirt, he’d figured as much when he glanced down, recognizing it as one of Chan’s old ones. It was a few sizes too big, since both of them liked oversized, comfortable clothing, with a peeling image of a smiling panda on the front.</p><p>“You can shower tomorrow morning, it’s okay. I’ll get you painkillers, though,” Chan promised. He’d spent a good fifteen minutes curiously regarding the ingredients on the bottle of anxiety medication after he’d rescued it from Felix’s submerged backpack yesterday, and therefore, he didn’t doubt the claim. Not that he was an expert, but it sounded like quite the potent cocktail.</p><p>"Where is everyone, anyway," Felix wanted to know after he’d been medicated. The entire hotel building seemed awfully silent, their neighbors much quieter than he knew them to be, no sounds of things being knocked over or duels being fought carrying over to their room through the wall.</p><p>“Oh, they’re out for dinner at some fancy ,” Chan replied absently, while wading through the sea of scattered fabrics in search of Felix’s lost pillow. “But they were all in here just before you woke, swooning all over you while you were asleep”</p><p>Felix nodded, allowing himself a closer look at Chan while he was busy. Now, with his vision unclouded, he saw the imprints of poor sleep etched onto his skin clearly, in the form of deep half moons under his eyes. The bed next to Felix’s looked completely untouched, too. The reason was that Chan had spent the night next to him, but that didn’t click in his brain, yet.</p><p>Slinging an arm over his face, he pretended to be rubbing the last bits of sleep off. "You didn't have to stay with me, you know.”</p><p>"Are you kidding me? The first thing you did when you woke was fall out of bed."</p><p>After a sideways smirk, Chan finished puffing up the last of the pillows with his back turned, but unfortunately, Felix wrongly interpreted the remark as rather derisive, and shrank tenfold. After a short lapse of silence, Chan noticed, sinking down next to him again in an instant.</p><p>"I didn’t mean anything by it, and I <em> wanted </em> to stay with you,” he clarified, because staying with Felix was never an obligation. Felix just grunted noncommittally in reply and dug his face into the fluffed up pillow to hide, so Chan settled next to him, a few fingers running up and down his spine until he could hear his hoarse voice again, now filtered through linen.</p><p>"I should have listened to you. I shouldn’t have run off, and I worried you.“</p><p>There were more things unsaid, things that he didn’t vocalize, now. He probably robbed the other members of their sleep, too. He probably worried and angered Mr Jung, and caused everyone a shitload of stress. But Chan calmly informed him that it was<em> okay. </em> Though, he couldn't help but lecture him, just a few well-chosen words about the importance of sticking together. Felix listened attentively with a pout (or pretended to) and chimed in with the occasional <em> uhuh </em> and <em> mmh </em>where he felt it was required.</p><p>"...but I think you learnt that by now. And you’re not running off anywhere,” Chan ended it, on a positive, and sincere, note. “Cause I've got you. You'll be okay, and I'll be okay. We'll all be okay.”</p><p>Being okay required food. Felix was directed to the plastic-wrapped sandwich on the bedside table, but in the absence of an appetite he just nibbled disinterestedly on it, while Chan set out to make him a hot drink.</p><p>“I actually thought I was gonna die out there, or be eaten by a bear. Or something."</p><p>Jarred, Chan stopped fiddling with the kettle to peek over at him. The sinister exclamation seemed to mildly surprise them both, because Felix quickly dug teeth into the sandwich again, without further elaboration. </p><p>Keeping his eyes low, he only felt the bed as it dipped next to him, and saw the mug of steaming hot peppermint tea as it was offered to him.</p><p>“You know, as I told you guys before we left...I don't actually think there’s any bears out here.”</p><p>“A raccoon then. A horde of raccoons.” </p><p>“Totally plausible.”</p><p>Felix scrunched his nose cutely, the words clumsy in his mouth, as he muttered that it <em> was. </em>The food seemed to help the color return to his face, but Chan could clearly hear the leftovers of genuine distress that he’d buried somewhere six feet under. And who could blame him, really. That walk in the park had turned into another ballgame entirely as dusk fell, creating a maze where one wrong turn into the river with its slippery rocks might leave you with a bashed in skull. </p><p>After giving him some time to ruminate, he took the half-empty mug from Felix’s loose grasp. The unfinished sandwich rested in his lap, but Chan didn't bother nagging him about it, right now at least.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“I was just scared, but I’m okay now,” Felix said instantly, through a final mouthful of stale bread. A simple enough of an answer, even if Chan wondered if that was actually the case. But through cryptics, he inferred that Felix didn't want to speak more about it, so he hummed in acknowledgement, gathering the comforter to throw over them and just letting him nuzzle into his side instead.</p><p>"Just, one question...in the woods...you took one of your sedatives, right?"</p><p>Felix snorted bitterly. He almost felt betrayed by the doctor, considering the state they left him in, dry-mouthed and borderline drunk. But it was still better than a panic attack in the middle of nowhere, he supposed.</p><p>"Yeah. That was a fucking ride."</p><p>"Did it help though?"</p><p>"It did. It was like...everything turned eerily calm inside my brain, like super quiet. Like in that room, you know.”</p><p>Chan really didn't know, so Felix had no other choice but to clarify. </p><p>“Like in the quietest room on earth, where it's so silent you go a little wonky. I could only hear my own thoughts and my own blood rushing, and I started hallucinating, like, weird noises. And scary shapes and shadows moving around."</p><p>Chan hauled him in as he faltered and stumbled, arms wrapping around his waist as if he was hugging a plushie, and encouraging him to go on. </p><p>“It was just gross,” Felix said, echoing his thoughts from before. “And my body was asleep but my head was rioting and wondering what was about to happen."</p><p>"That sounds awful, and you were out there for hours. Anyone would be scared, and you were drenched, and shivering and so cold. But you’re alright now.”</p><p>It did sound awful, enough to scare the shit out of anyone. Felix nestled further into his armpit. He was becoming drowsy and heavy-limbed, and fast.</p><p>"Yesterday, when you brought me here...I had the trippiest dream.”</p><p>"Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah. I think I was like, stuck somewhere between dream and reality, cause I was asleep but I could hear you guys. It was so weird."</p><p>It felt silly now, like a scene straight out of a children's book, the pastel forest and the talking animals and all of it. Chan listened with interest as Felix explained things, always with theatrics. But with his mouth still numb and uncooperative, he slurred like he’d just had a wisdom tooth pulled, and Chan had to stifle a giggle.</p><p>"That sounds trippy for sure. But more importantly, though...what animal was I?”</p><p>"I didn't see you that clearly," Felix said after a moment of pondering, matching Chan’s disappointed <em> oh. </em>"But you'd probably be something cool. Like...a wolf."</p><p>Chan seconded that, smirking when whatever Felix was about to say was left hanging mid-sentence. He was still so tired, poor thing, the medication bidding him into blissful dreams again. Chan hadn't the heart to move him, either, even though his arm — which acted as Felix's pillow the whole night — quickly went numb.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Felix was forced out of the cocoon for the third time, he was met with the most pleasant of sensations. Gusts of warm air, fanning his cheek intermittently. It must be the sun’s beams again, he thought. But the first thing he <em> saw </em> — from point blank — was a blurry, beige lump with bulging eyes hovering just above him at such an angle that he wasn't sure what he was seeing, at first.</p><p>“Hi!”</p><p>
  <em> "Uh —" </em>
</p><p>The abomination spoke, so it wasn't about to devour him and feed on his soul, at least. As his warped mind started settling, the distortion in front of him followed. The contours became sharper, and in side view, he could see Chan and the silhouettes of a few other, very familiar-looking characters, all of them dressed in bermuda shorts and hawaiian-themed t-shirts.</p><p>“Hey…you seem to be...sitting on me."</p><p>Jeongin was most overjoyed to hear him speak, finally, so much so that his entire face scrunched into a prune and he began bouncing up and down. But what he failed to realize was that Felix’s ribcage was actually quite sore, and also not his personal bouncy castle.</p><p>"Yes, I wanted to be the first thing you saw when you woke."</p><p>Felix croaked out the beginnings of a reply that turned into a sad wheeze as the air was nearly punched out of him, and Chan had to come to the rescue.</p><p>“<em>Hey, what the hell </em> — can you get off him so he can breathe.”</p><p>“Yes hyung but I just want to —"</p><p>Before anyone could find out exactly what, a pillow — very casually thrown by Seungmin — came flying. Since it hit Jeongin square in the face and knocked him over, it conveniently saved Chan the trouble of trying to pry him off, but he didn’t stay down for very long. His face, now beet-red, plopped up almost instantly, fingers clawing at the edge of the mattress in a frantic effort to up.</p><p>“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SEUNG?!"</p><p>"Okay hold up, I didn't think it would actually hit you, it was an accident!”</p><p>“Oh, <em>nice</em>, well, my fist seems to be on an accidental collision course with your<em> face —"</em></p><p>The youngest blew up, suddenly all profanities and random threats that ranged from violent and gory, to just downright obscene, while Chan did his best to act like a human barrier between them. </p><p>
  <em> “Seung no, Jeongin calm —" </em>
</p><p>"Guess my aim is better than I thought," Seungmin appraised himself, blinking at his hand in amazement. But the second after he'd been jumped by Jeongin who'd successfully weaseled himself free, and screaming ensued.</p><p>"Anyway, Felix, how are you feeling now?" Unbothered by the chaos, Hyunjin made himself comfortable on the empty spot on Felix’s bed, eyes round and attentive as always. The rest of the room quieted at his question, eagerly awaiting the answer.</p><p>"I'm...yeah, feeling better. Not as...wet...and...frozen solid."</p><p>Honestly, it was a little overwhelming, seeing them all so corporeal after he’d faded in and out of consciousness for two whole days. He raked fingers through his hair, very aware of his haphazard appearance all of a sudden — but then, he caught sight of something heart-shaped and yellow, that he's apparently completely failed to notice until now. </p><p>It was a balloon, floating idly where it was tied to the edge of the bed. He had to squint to make out the message sprawled across it; <em> Get Well Soon! </em>written in bold, pink letters. And below it, in front of his blanketed feet, sat a small teddy bear with a gold and white bow tie, holding a card that also boasted a message of wellness. </p><p>Seungmin, who currently had his hand fisted in Jeongin’s shirt, lit up like a candle when he noticed that Felix had finally acknowledged the gifts. </p><p>“Me and Minho bought those for you,” he announced proudly. “From a gift shop nearby, when we went shopping. All of the things they sold were equally clichéd and over the top. Lots of confetti and teddy bears in many shapes and colors.” </p><p>Despite the fact they were pretty much fit for a five year old, Felix mumbled a heartfelt <em> thank you, </em>way more touched by the gesture than he could possibly express. But Chan was less impressed. The balloon and teddy wasn’t the only thing the members had dropped off in his and Felix’s room after they returned from their morning shopping spree.</p><p>“It really is, <em> so very nice, </em> but did you have to dump all the shopping bags <em> here?”  </em></p><p>“Yes, cause they didn't fit anywhere else,” Hyunjin explained chipperly, as if that was justification enough. “Everything's kinda really cheap around here, so we had to buy...well, everything, and now there’s too much clothes and shit stacked in our rooms. I can't find the new cool pants I bought."</p><p>"That's your own damn fault —"</p><p>“<em>By the way, </em> Felix.”</p><p>Chan interrupted himself furrow his brows at Jeongin. Now separated from Seungmin and perched at the edge of Felix’s bed, he’d cast icy glances at the leader for a full two minutes, but thus far, they had gone unnoticed. "<em>Just so we're clear,” </em> he continued, once he was certain he had his — and the entire room’s — attention. “I passionately fought for an opportunity to go look for you, you know. And I’m not mentioning any names, but <em> certain </em>people wouldn't let me."</p><p>Amused, Chan entered the dangerous minefield surrounding him easily. He flopped down next to him, only to be met with fierce resistance once he tried looping arms around him.</p><p>"<em>No, let go, </em> I'm pissed at you."</p><p>"Come on, don't be pissed at me. Felix knows you all wanted to look for him, but we all know what would have happened if you went."</p><p>“Yes. We’d found him in like five minutes.”</p><p>“No, you’d fallen into the river in like five minutes.”</p><p>While they bickered (and Jeongin had to eventually surrender and allow himself to be hugged) Jisung took the opportunity to tentatively breach the subject of Felix’s disappearance.</p><p>"So...where did you even go, Felix, when you got lost? Did you really run off to take a pic of a <em> deer</em>?”</p><p>"I um...yeah," Felix admitted, feeling more than a little sheepish. Heat rose all the way to his ears, painting them an unflattering shade of red. It all sounded so absolutely ridiculous now. "It was a baby deer...I just wanted a picture of cause it was all cute and standing there, before it disappeared at light's speed.”</p><p>"But did you then? Get the pic?"</p><p>"No, it was too fast. I was so dumb, and when I realized I couldn't catch up, I was already too far away and my phone died."</p><p>"It's not all your fault,” Minho pointed out humbly. They had all been so spaced out on the way back from the hike that any one of them might have wandered off into the wrong direction, really. “I mean…it took us like thirty minutes to realize you were gone."</p><p><em> Didn’t even realize you were gone. </em> Felix remained expressionless while incorrectly analyzing that statement, but Minho was quick to negate any damage.</p><p>"<em>No, </em> wait. Not because we don't pay attention to you Lix, but just cause we were all exhausted. But the important thing is you're here, safe. Just...don't wander off again, and maybe don't become a wildlife photographer either, huh. K-pop idol suits you better.”</p><p>Felix nodded frantically, grateful beyond belief for their kind words, but also unable to let go of the last snippets of guilt. </p><p>Chan noticed.</p><p>With the commotion passing between the members, he realized after one single look at Felix that he’d shrank into himself, idly picking at the sleeves of his sweater and seemingly unsure of where to go from here. But Chan didn’t have to bother shepherding them all out, much thanks to Mr Jung, the group’s manager, who made a welcome appearance. He burst in like a godsend, takeaway-coffee in hand and sharp eyes skidding over their heads, one by one to, make sure everyone was accounted for.</p><p><em> “One, two, three, eight...ah</em>, wonderful...my goodness, what a mess, uh...what are you all doing in here, still? You need to go change, go eat and head to the lobby so Mrs Park can take you to the museum of modern art and the terra crab farm…” He paused, noticing the sleep-ruffled boy on the bed, who instantly sobered up. “...oh, yes, <em> Felix, </em> how are you feeling this morning? Mrs Park sends you her well wishes, tells you not to worry, it happens to the best of us.”</p><p>Felix looked up at him shyly, reassembling his disheveled bangs and sitting up straighter the best he could, to look even a little more healthy and presentable. He hoped that Mr Jung might be benevolent enough to let him cavort around town a bit, too, but as it turned out, any such delusions were quickly, and unceremoniously, crushed.</p><p>“Absolutely not, over my dead body. You need to rest to make sure you have no lasting complications. Come on, the rest of you, shoo.”</p><p>"But I —”</p><p>“NO! A bucket of no! A truckload of no! Read my lips, what do they say?"</p><p>A brief silence draped over the small congregation, only interrupted by Jeongin, who was busy working a chocolate bar out of it's wrapper. After succeeding and stuffing the whole thing into his mouth, he took it upon himself to answer, too.</p><p>"They say no?" </p><p>"That's right," Mr Jung declared. Satisfied, he straightened out his tie with an excessively hard yank. "I'm not taking any chances this time. And I won't hear a single peep more about it."</p><p>Felix’s jaw closed again before a <em>peep</em> could escape. He could do nothing but pout at the short, meaty finger pointed his way, because Chan kept effectively dodging his pleading looks and offering him no backup.</p><p>The room emptied, sympathy pats and farewells being spared for Felix, until he was waved off. Mr Jung glowered at him in warning as he backed out, leaving nothing but a couple words of caution in his wake <em> (eat and rest, Felix. Chan, make sure he does, or else.) </em></p><p>“It’s okay Lix, I’ll stay with you,” Chan tried to cheer him up right away, moving to sit next to him on the bed. But it didn't help. Felix withdrew, frustrated, and solving it by aiming a kick at the wall (which was a bad idea, since he had no socks on, and it hurt.)</p><p>“So what am I supposed to do all day then, play a hundred rounds of Uno? I might get a paper cut from a card, oh no.”</p><p>Chan tutted at his petulance, and Felix knew as much, that it was childish of him, to let his irritation wash all over the person who probably deserved it the least. So he canned the rest of the complaints, and jumped in the shower to wash off multiple days of grime, while Chan assembled them brunch, meaning, dried croissants and fruit cups that he snatched from breakfast this morning. The window was open, allowing for the occasional breeze to swivel past. The Uno cards were sent flying after Chan whipped them out, but it wasn’t entirely due to the wind. Uno was usually a good time — but after multiple games and several crushing losses, Felix couldn’t keep the cork on his restlessness any longer. </p><p>“Can you stop being so smug about it, my brain is still wrecked, okay, I can barely think clearly,” he hissed, after throwing the cards one last time and announcing he was <em> done</em>. And Chan’s smirk was much, much too self-congratulatory.</p><p>“I get it, I’m not being smug about it. We can have a rematch tomorrow.”</p><p>Felix retreated to his bed and placed his chin in his palms, eyes drawn to the window. A lone, puffy little cloud sailed past. It must be having so much more fun than him, all merry and free to roam about in the great big outdoors as it pleased.</p><p>“Can we at least go for a walk around the block? A <em> walk</em>, come on. A harmless stroll. If I get lost during a stroll you have my permission to beat my ass later.“</p><p>Whining at Chan's dubious-sounding hum, he let himself fall limply onto his back, and even further down from there. Soon he'd descended into the little crevice between their beds in pure dejection, landing flat on his tummy with an <em>ow </em>that was ignored by everyone present, people and clouds alike. He had a pretty decent view of Chan's socked feet as they shuffled around from here, their owner hellbent on not giving him the time of day.</p><p>“We need to put these in the mini fridge...these tiny containers of nutella are so cute. Look, Felix.” </p><p>“<em>I’m serious.” </em></p><p>"Oh, yeah, I believe you. You look too uncomfortable to be anything but serious.”</p><p>To be fair, Felix was pretty uncomfortable, since floors didn’t make for the most convenient of mattresses. After a quick investigation, he could also conclude that balls of dust lived and thrived prosperously underneath all the furniture.</p><p>"Someone forgot to clean under the dresser."</p><p>"No one ever cleans under dressers, cause no one ever checks under them, well, except you. How do I look from down there?"</p><p>“Fat. Am I even allowed out of this room?”</p><p>“You are, it just depends on a few things,” Chan said after giving it some thought, with a clear undertone of <em> don’t even try to argue. </em>"Come on, can you get off the floor already, don’t need you any more stiff than you already are." </p><p>Hands grabbed at Felix’s midriff, manhandling him back onto the bed without much consideration. The aforementioned <em>things </em>were part of a checklist he had to complete before they could even consider venturing anywhe beyond the hotel corridor; if he felt dizzy at all <em>(no) </em>if he had a headache<em> (just a tiny one)</em> and if he was good to walk <em>(well, yeah, duh). </em>He must have sounded much too nonchalant on that last one, because Chan gave him the evil eye, before making rounds around the room to shove various items into his backpack.</p><p>"So, apparently the guys bought us Hawaiian shirts, too," he noted, after reaching his bed and picking up one of the god-awful and palm-covered creations tossed onto it by Hyunjin. "They said they thought it would remind us of home."</p><p>"Oh, how thoughtful. Are they aware that Australia isn't Hawaii?"</p><p>"Doubt it."</p><p>They ended up wearing them anyway, just for shits and giggles, and because it made them look like whimsical tourists, which they were anyway. But after pulling on a new pair of shorts, Felix’s stare dropped to his knees, his stomach twisting. They were covered in unsightly welts, blooming in sickly greens and purples. But the sun looked too scorching for jeans or sweats.</p><p>“Is it warm outside?”</p><p>“Yeah, the weather pretty much did a complete 360," Chan threw over his shoulder, only to turn when he noticed Felix’s thin-lipped frown drop even further. “Hey. It’s okay Lix, don’t worry about the bruises and scratches, no one will pay attention to you here. I’m just getting some essentials, and then we can go…”</p><p>The muttering earned him several looks of disbelief, because what could they possibly need for a walk around the <em>neighborhood. </em>A lot, it appeared. Felix pulled a snapback over his damp bangs as protection from the sun and gawking strangers, while Chan filled the backpack with everything and anything useful he could find; painkillers, Felix’s anxiety meds, band-aids, sun lotion and other things one might need for survival out in the wild. Felix was on the verge of asking if he was about to stuff a tent in there, too, but considering his recent track record, he thought it would be most unwise.</p><p>He couldn’t help but excitedly skip down the stairs, bubbling with energy at the prospect of lapping up a mouthful of fresh air and stretch his mangled legs. Chan was right behind, reminding him that he was still a convalescent, but it didn't help. Soon he was playing hopscotch down the sidewalk and barely dodging the incoming traffic, only to find himself gently tugged back when he sped up a little too much. </p><p>“We’re just walking...nicely and slowly...the sun doesn't hurt your head, does it?”</p><p>“I’m fine, but oh no, we forgot my walking stick, how ever will I make it around the block?”</p><p>“Come on,” Chan tisked, managing to grab Felix just before he was about to collide with a streetlight. “Careful...and you did go through quite a lot, don't want to shock your system with heavy exercise."</p><p>Even though this hardly counted as <em>heavy</em> <em>exercise</em>, Felix yielded to the no nonsense tone of his voice, and accepted the fact this would be a very leisurely stroll. Chan made sure they didn't stray too far from the hotel, keeping them safely within its borders, but Felix didn't mind, really. There was a lot to look at, the azure ocean on one side of the boardwalk, for one, and shop after intriguing shop on the other.</p><p>It’s not like he was about to reveal it, but tiredness quickly started creeping into his bones again, after a mere hour of walking. But as if sent from the heavens above, a colorful sign with a cup of coffee awaited just a few shops ahead, catching his interest at once. He flipped around, wickedly satisfied to notice that Chan was now the one struggling to keep up, his limbs quickly having turned to liquid in the sweltering heat.</p><p>“Hey! Let’s get coffee?”</p><p>Chan spent some time reading the menu, eyes flickering in disbelief over the many variations of caffeinated beverages listed.</p><p>“You want coffee in this weather?"</p><p>"Iced Americano never hurt anyone,” Felix shrugged, fingers already on the door handle. “Come on...I'm sleepy."</p><p>
  <em> "Sleepy?" </em>
</p><p>Triggered by the keyword, Nurse Bang was instantly summoned, his hand flying atop Felix's forehead to prod and poke. "Do we have to head back, are you feeling queasy? I don't want to get sunstroke now, on top of everything"</p><p>Instead of getting into an endless debate with him inside the quaint little coffee shop, Felix chose to just roll his eyes and run off, even though he’d technically sworn never to do that again. He ducked under Chan’s palm, shouldering his way past the crowd and leaving him glaring. His protests were drowned out by a giggling heap of teenage girls standing nearby, so he had no other option but to mutter and stay put until he saw Felix’s snapback again, en route back to him.</p><p>“Here. Peach ice tea for Mr Bang. I spent five minutes in a line and this place doesn’t even have aircon and somehow I didn’t die, can we go now?”</p><p>They could, after Chan gratefully accepted it, parched as he was. Captivated by the infinite blue, Felix took it upon himself to lead the way to the obvious spot to consume the drinks. A nice corner right below an oak tree, with a wide view of the entire beach with its rows and rows of sun loungers, but secluded enough to avoid the screeching children splashing about in the water. After they had dug cup-holders for their drinks in the sand, Chan instantly cringed the backpack off to whip out the blanket he’d so conveniently remembered to pack.</p><p><em>“Ha,</em> see, who’s the smart one now? God, it’s hot. It’s really pretty out here, though.”</p><p>“Yeah…really pretty...”</p><p>Felix dragged out his answer, already succumbing to his own little thoughts. Nonverbal as could be, he didn’t really reveal much of anything for the next ten minutes, but Chan was already an expert at Felix-specific mannerisms by now. He recognized his hunched stance and excessive chewing on the straw to his coffee as very telling.</p><p>"You look down suddenly, what happened to the hyperactivity?"</p><p>During his silent contemplation, Felix had kicked off socks and sneakers and buried bare toes into the sand. It felt most pleasant. But within him, gray clouds threatened to occupy the clear horizon.</p><p>"Nothing, just...thinking," he said, evasive as always, aware that <em> nothing </em> encompassed a whole galaxy’s worth of everything. But Chan, ever-vigilant, had figured that eons ago.</p><p>"What about?”</p><p>Today was much too sunny to be spent brooding and feeling insecure, because truly, Felix already spent way too much time overthinking back at home.</p><p>"Just...I don’t know,” Felix groaned, dragging the snapback off to reveal the frayed, bleached blonde wisps of hair. “That it’s nice to spend time like this, together, without any time constraints, like regular friends...with no schedule stuffed full of vocal practice and Korean lessons and doctor’s appointments and...everything. And also…"</p><p>There was too much frailty in his heart, bleeding into his voice and his entire existence, and he hated it. Because he did have <em> feelings</em>, as much as he didn't want the pesky things, feelings easily hurt despite the fact he should be hardened by the industry by now. </p><p>But what point was there, to keep his fears hostage at this point?</p><p>Chan had already seen most sides of him, witnessed him stutter during interviews and picked him up when he fell flat on his ass on stage and held him when he ugly-cried his way through panic attacks, so many times, already.</p><p>“...and also it’s so typical that I’d get lost the first time the company sends us somewhere together, like a stupid little kid,” he finished finally, sounding like a teeny, chirping bird, no traces of impressive baritones anywhere.</p><p>Chan slurped up the last of his ice tea and made a disapproving, guttural noise deep in his throat, but held himself back from lecturing. Instead, he let a hand circle around Felix’s shoulder, and squeeze, just to remind him that there was a lifetime of love and support waiting to sustain him.</p><p>"But you are a kid. A stray kid."</p><p>"You know what I mean."</p><p>"Yeah, I do, and I understand. But the thing is, you’re being too hard on yourself again, Felix, when you need to just be nicer to yourself,” Chan said plainly, without leaving any room for negotiation. “Everyone gets lost sometimes, you know." </p><p>The surroundings beckoned them again, reminding them they were out in public. A game of beach volleyball was being played, and the same horde of teenage girls from before loitered just next to them. Within a few minutes, it became blatantly obvious that they tried sneaking inconspicuous looks at Chan’s exposed biceps. This, much to Felix’s delight, made him blush profusely, his hand raising in an awkward wave, which only made the girls panic and giggle even louder.</p><p>The pair of them sat in comfortable silence after that, Chan muttering something about <em> should have worn longer sleeves and maybe a little less palm trees,</em> and worrying about sunburn, while Felix let himself travel to faraway places.</p><p>"This reminds me of Australia a lot. Looks like Bondi beach, could have fooled me."</p><p>His voice was airy thin, lighter than Chan knew his tone to be. He had nearly said<em> "home </em>" then — but the lines we're getting blurrier. Seoul could be his home, or more exactly, the cramped dorm with its makeshift blackout curtains and mismatched furniture, and most importantly, its beloved inhabitants.</p><p>Chan studied him, melancholy pouring into his own veins, fast.</p><p>"You miss it huh?" </p><p>"Yeah.” </p><p>As Felix’s features grew sullen, Chan was hit by a chilling realization. The possibility had existed, that Felix wouldn’t have been found, but since the opposite happened, it was unnecessary to torture oneself with worst case scenarios. It was a relief to see him now, the healthy glow returning to his skin, and the early onset of new freckles seeking to spawn around his nose.</p><p>Felix would never have to find out just how chaotic his rescue mission was, but Chan still recalled carrying his body, <em> so cold, </em> pulse so dormant he could have been lifeless, into the ambulance. It was much too vivid, much too painful of a recollection, but also the first, and hopefully last time he’d have to see him in such a state. If he had any say in it, there would be no repetitions.</p><p>In his reverie he hadn’t noticed the fingers, gently tapping at his shins. But when he saw Felix peering up at him, shy and expectant, he realized he’d apparently missed whatever had been said.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“I said that I don’t miss it that much cause...I’ve got you.”</p><p>The little warm, pulsating bundle made its home inside Chan’s chest again, in its own little designated spot. At least Felix knew that much, by now.</p><p>“And I've got you.”</p><p>
  <em> “Hey!” </em>
</p><p>The bellowing caught them both off guard. Walking along the shoreline, a collection of dots approached, bumping into each other and toppling over as they struggled to plod through the sand. Mr Jung could be seen at the very end of the line, equipped with a napkin he used to regularly wipe at his sweaty forehead, and footwear that looked disturbingly much like socks with sandals. If the high-pitched noises were anything to go by, he also appeared to be having quite a hard time conquering the sandy terrain.</p><p>“Well, look who it is.” Chan snorted, quickly identifying the cheerful little parade. “Guess they ditched the crab farm, then.”</p><p>Felix carefully collected the empty plastic cups and folded the blanket, taking his sweet time. Once it was done he glanced up at Chan again, squinting at the sun when it sought to blind him with its rays. </p><p>“Hey...Channie?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Do you think...I’ll be able to make it? That I’ll be good?”</p><p>Chan’s sparkling grin sagged somewhat. Felix just never seemed to realize his own potential, and when he did, those epiphanies were fleeting and often stolen from him. But that’s what Chan was there for, he supposed. To remind him, whenever it was needed.</p><p>“You’re already so much better than good, Lix.”</p><p>A silly smile spread on Felix’s lips at the heartfelt praise, his cheeks heating up, even though no one could see in the bright sunlight. Taking Chan’s outstretched hand, he allowed himself to be hauled up and pulled along, chuckling as he saw Seungmin jump up and down in the distance, and Jeongin, who sneakily pushed him so he took a nosedive into the water just moments after, as payback for earlier.</p><p>Chan would keep Felix safe. Maybe help him, too, to make something beautiful, something worth sharing, out of himself.</p>
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